Earlier in the week I was sooo worried about my Iman. It’s decreased and I don’t know how or when it happened.Insh’allah I am steadfast in salah but for some reason I’m not able to pray how I used to. Im not able to pray with that sincerity and humility I used to feel. I don’t have that love or feeling in my heart… I don’t have that fragility I used to experience. I have little concentration and find my thoughts during salah are consumed with such worldly matters.
It almost feels like I’ve stepped back a year to before finding my way to Islam. I pray with little understanding of the words being recited and unaware of what my actions truly signify.
I can’t even supplicate how I used to – I can’t even sit and supplicate with all my heart and ask for Allah to have mercy on me, my family and friends. I find I can’t bring myself to ask Allah of anything… well not with any feeling or real want like I used to... Even asking Allah to bring me back to my deen and increasing my iman – I’m empty… it’s hard not to think of it as anymore than just words right now…
Upon hearing the beautiful recitation of the Noble Quran, I feel nothing… The words no longer deeply touch my heart like they used to and am no longer able to listen to the harmonious words… My heart has hardened and I sooo long for it to return to the state it was in a few weeks ago. I didn’t see this coming and I didn’t see it happening… How have things changed in just a few short weeks??
As the days have gotten longer and the hours increased between salah, what was supposed to be a look around the shops or a quick Google on the net, somewhere turned into hours… coupled with neglect of the Quran and most importantly my Lord, I think, has led to the decrease of my iman that I’m now sooo so worried about.
"Therefore remember me [by praying, glorifying etc.] and I will remember you…"
(Quran 2: 152)
"Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!"
(Quran 13:28)
O Allah, Please forgive me. O Allah, please restore and renew my faith. O Allah please keep my grip on the rope strong and firm.
I will continue to make dua for Allah to being me back. I need to to reestablish my faith. Being the second most important pillar after the Kalimah and having felt that my salah is what has suffered most, Insh'allah this is where I will begin...
I just feel that I need to go back to basics as a refresher.. and spend some time contemplating and reflecting on the true meaning of what Salah is to the Mu'min.
Why do we pray and what are the blessings in Salah?
What happened on the night of Al Mi'raj when Salah was ordained on the Ummah?
What do the beautiful words we recite really mean?
What do our actions during Salah truly signify?
I pray that in reminding myself in these basic principles I will find that spiritual connection and fragility I felt in my Salah up until just recently...
Rabbij-'alnii muqii-mas-Salaati wa min dhurriyyatii, Rabbanaa wa taqabbal Du-'aaa
Ameen.
Dont be so hard on yourself. this is why we have salat and zikr, Allah doesnt need it, we need it. Remember that if we take steps towards Allah swt he will rush to us. We all have to go back to the fundamentals and remind ourselves. As we progress sometimes we need more. In a khutbah on friday they said that the sunnah prayers keep our iman and maditory prayers in tact much like a (i cant remember the example so ill use my own) a cast keeps a broken bone in tact until it heals. If you are feeling detatched then learn. dont just recite the quran but truely read it to learn what it is saying.
ReplyDeletethis is a test. You will make it through inshaAllah
Love,
Maria
Asalaamu aliakum sweetie
ReplyDeleteJazakallah for your words of encouragement! I was listening to a lecture which made a point which follwos on from yours about needing more...
We do what we do but then we become stagnant and set in a routine. We need to continually keep challenging ourselves to learn and be better and do more inshallah, so as to not lose the spirit we have for the deen (That which you will read in my first post!)
another point actually.. which goes back to your last post Sis.. Allah says in the quran that the Shaitan will sit waiting for us on the straight path and never leaves us - not even when we are doing our good deeds...
(Is it bad to want to curse him at this point?!)
= )
x
Assalamu alaikum Sister Jannah,
ReplyDeleteIman increases and desreases. It happens to all of us, but Alhamdullilah you have noticed it, so you know it is happening and you can make a conscious effort to improve. What helped me is not just memorizing surahs for prayer, but reading the tafseer, knowing the meanings of what I am saying and the reasons for the revelation of the verses. Sometimes it all feels so overwhelming when we start to practice Islam, but start at the beginning, start with the Quran. Like you said, shaitaan lies in wait for us every step of the way, so when you feel you cant do something, like salah on time or good deeds....then make extra effort to do more, when you feel like decreasing a good deed, do more than you were planning to do, do even the sunnah prayers if you can, because it is from shaitaans whispers to decrease your good deeds. Keep making dua sis and hang in there.
love,
J
Salaam alaikum J,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words and good advice sweetie.
I've actually enrolled on a course which is studying the tafseer if 11 short surahs which started with Fatiha last week actually which I have to say was amazing as it really explores the deeper meaning of the words we recite.. I think that deffo helps very much so...
Allhumdulillah! Check out my new post ladies!
I feel elated!
X