Reflecting: Dinner with friends

I've just left a couple of girlfriends after dinner at the much raved about Thai restaurant at The Blue Elephant in Fulham. I had a lovely evening so why have I come away feeling a little deflated? Feeling quite sad, actually.

It’s been about a year since me and my 2 closest friends from uni spent some time together to kick back and chill. It was so nice to see them again but an evening catching up with friends wasn’t quite like the old days as I had thought it would be...

The last time I saw these girls together, I was a different person and I’ve changed much in the way I choose to live my life since then.

Where we once shared the same interests and liked doing the same things, don't really appeal to me anymore; and the things that never bothered me, now all of a sudden, did.

I knew they'd had a drink whilst they are waiting for me so by the time I arrived figured they must’ve been a bit... Well - 'intoxicated' let’s just say! I mean, they weren't wasted in the slightest but the nonsensical conversation had me wondering if they were just talking plain isht!

I feel bad saying this but I found myself thinking that while they're 'liquored up' I just don’t wanna be around them! Drunken people are fools at the best of times and if they wanna do that, cool do it in your own space but just don't impose it on me...

Please don't get me wrong, I love the girls to bits and wouldn't dream about telling them how to enjoy themselves but it was all waaaay too close for comfort that night.

For a few seconds wished I was somewhere else with a bunch of non-alcohol swigging hijabun chicks!

We sat and ate, joked and talked like we used to just like back in the day but at times I was a bit detached from them... Maybe it was all the thoughts running though my head distracting me from being ‘there’...?

Anyways, I've always been quite confident and secure within myself so when the girls started to rough up their hair and reapply the gloss for a photo, I began to really miss the long layered locks and the perfectly painted nails that I too once used sport...

I mean, they both looked stunning! The shiny glossy hair, luminous smooth skin and perfectly accessorized outfits made my coral cinched tunic with black and gold hijab pale into insignificance.

I really felt like the less pretty, less stylish friend and I’ve never felt that before! Without coming off as vain or anything, I’ve always been happy and confident within myself but recently... I dunno... I guess since wearing hijab, at times I feel quite self-conscious and sometimes – ugly too.

That glossy self-assured chick used to be me a few months ago but now the confidence I used to then ooze was now replaced with insecurity and self consciousness instead...

We laughed just before leaving whilst taking super stupid pics and generally were just messing around like we used to at uni. Ah, it was cool- I so miss those days mannn! Good times!

As they went off to continue their evening out I couldn’t help but feel kinda sad as I left them though... And almost wished that I was going with them.

Like, I've had sooo many laughs and good memories of these girls and as I watched them go, I realised that I may not actually have have many more new ones with them...

Seeing them after so long made me miss the fun we used to have and now feel that I won’t be a part of that any more. My friends bless them, have been amazing and so sweet and considerate of the things I will and won’t do now. They still make an effort to meet up and stuff, but it’s never quite gonna be the same as it was.

It kind of makes me wonder whether this could be the start of a friendship that's beginning to drift?

I've realised all the change that's taken place and guess that’s just left me feeling a little low. Knowing things have changed and won't be how they used to be saddens me a little...

I guess all this is just me, missing things. My friends, Spending time with them, Feeling confident – MY HAIR!!!!

Its so hard when you miss things - be it people, places, times – it's one of the hardest things to have to deal with in life but sometimes its not so bad cos you know you can see that person, or go to that place and you may feel a little better .

What is even more difficult? When you miss something but know there’s not a single thing you can do to make it better cos it is what it is.

Now that really is hard... And this, is just one of those... Allhumdulillah.