Sooooo, What was the delay?

Asalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu beautiful readers...

Ok so I was cleaning out my beloved iPhone of all the ‘’iStuff’’ I’ve managed to store on it over the past months and come across a little something I thought I'd share...

It’s often used for me to tap into my emotions when I’m trying to work out exactly what it is I’m feeling... it holds words truly spoken from deep inside that no one, and I mean no one (not even me sometimes) but Allah Subhanahu wa tala knows...

Anyways – I came across the below. It’s a note that I'd saved when I was on the verge of finally donning the Hijab. I found myself wanting to do it and ready to do it, but subconsciously delaying it and didn’t know why... I had all these reasons that I thought were the cause for the delay but figured there was something more to it as when I questioned those reasons... they just weren’t valid...

Here are my thoughts from 59 days ago...

“Why don't I wear Hijab??

I don't know. I think for a number of reasons which I will now try to work out...

But before doing so I want to express my how much I actually want to begin wearing the Hijab... So why exactly DO I want to observe Hijab?

First and foremost I think... as it’s a commandment of my Lord. Plain and simple I guess... He's the one who created the heavens and the earth, the universe. I'm Allah's Creation - He’s the one I belong to. The Almighty creator, my owner... so I should do what my creator wants of me. Like you obey your parents cos temporarily they are over you, surely I should obey the one who made me? If something belongs to you, you want to do with it what you wish. You want it to work to please you and service you as you want it to...

In observing hijab, I want to show my faith. I'm a Muslim and I'm proud of that. I want people to know I'm a Muslim and I believe in my Allah. I love my religion and when you love something you want to show it off for all to see...

I want to observe veil to safeguard me from unwanted situations and comments. I don't want to be leered at. I don't want to have to deal with awkward comments from unwanteds... Sometimes I can't go into certain stores such as Footlocker or the menswear departments cos these places are full if pervy male sales assistants.. Walking through makes me feel so uncomfortable cos I feel they're all watching and perving -even on a rough day!... Astagfirullah.

Hmmmm....

Will I feel the need to conform and dress with the right shoes? The right handbag? The accessories? Possibly – just to show my love for fashion and clothes and that I love the latest looks...

So why DONT I wear Hijab yet?

Maybe I'm not ready to let go, not ready to let go of what I know maybe? It will mean changing everything physically visual about me. Mainly - my clothes.

Clothes are a part of me and in a sense changing that will be changing my personality. Changing the way I dress... Clothes make me feel good. If I'm dressed in the way that I like, that I’m happy with and comfortable with - I feel confident and I feel happy. If I'm not 100% happy, I feel rubbish... The other girls always look amazing, I’ll feel soooo crap in comparison..

Maybe thinking about clothes making me feel confident is not the right way. How will dressing in Hijab make me feel confident? What confidence will Hijab give me?? What will I get from wearing Hijab - increased imaan inshallah...?

Am I ready for the questions people will ask? Yes. I can give them the answers above as to why I observe veil. Though- they won't really understand...

How will I handle the reactions? I don’t like the attention being on me and can’t be bothered with having people make exclamations of my decision and asking me questions why I’ve done it... is it bad that I can’t be bothered to explain...? its dawah... maybe it may be cos I don’t feel I have enough knowledge to do it justice?? Yeah I can explain why I’m doing but will I be able to make them see the real beauty of wearing Hijab...

Am I avoiding the confrontation and all the limelight being on me...? That would be the worst thing - all eyes on me... I dont want to have to explain to people feel like I'm put on the spot..

I was born a Muslim, I believe in Allah and the Quran. My book tells me to cover as a commandment from my lord. Will people thin think I’m a ‘Bible Basher’? Will they think I’m a dork for being into religion?

It’s a commandment from my Lord - People will accept that. But I don't want them to change towards me... I don't want them to think I'm being forced to do it, or oppressed or anything else like that ...so maybe, the way I dress will reflect that...?

But then why should I care what anyone else thinks??

Why do I care? I shouldn't cos whatever they think I will continue love my religion and that's all matters... The only one that I need to be worried about answering to? The Almighty Allah...”

Subhanallah! – all those thoughts and feelings I’d been feeling were so overwhelming!

Allhumdulillah – I finally put on the Hijab on Monday March 2nd 2009... And after all that, the first day at work? It really wasn’t all that bad – in fact it was one the MOST memorable...

Amazing in fact...

But that’s another post soon to be Insh’Allah...
= )

--Posted From My iPhone --